Cheating: Does He (or She) Deserve a 2nd Chance?

today is a great day | Love.  What a powerful 4-letter word, l-o-v-e.  It can make you feel as if you’re on cloud nine.  It can create a heaven out of hell. It’s undoubtedly the epitome of human kindness, compassion, and… what we all crave, affection.  We never know where we’ll find it.  It rears its head in the strangest of places.  Sometimes, it blossoms from unsuspecting sources.  It’s been known to elude some and drown others.

But, one thing is for sure.  Once we find it, we don’t want to let it go.  After all, it made our heart beat a bit faster and put a little pep in our step.  So what should we do when our partner has cheated?  Shattering, tainting, or blemishing that perfect love you once shared.  Does that person deserve a second chance?

I’ve learned you can’t bury your head in the sand and pretend it didn’t happen.  Doing that retains the frame of the relationship, but kills your chances of lasting intimacy. And though it may preserve a lifestyle and financial situation, you’re left feeling empty and lonely on the inside.

If you confront it and forgive your partner, the cheating pattern returns, often with the same person, in different locations or with a new person, in the same location.  Ain’t that some sh*t?  Especially when you find out the person isn’t half the woman or man you are.  (Sorry about that last statement.)  I digress sometimes :-\.

Anyway, some people say, f**k it and leave.  They don’t care about piecing anything together.  But then strangely, they enter into another relationship where the same cheating pattern surfaces again.  Then you start to hear the, “men are dogs”; and, “f**k b*tches, they’re all the same.”

With regard to cheating, here are a few things I learned on my continuous journey of enlightenment:

  • Take some of the blame. It’s not all your partner’s fault.  Think about it… think back.  You put yourself in the situation to begin with, so take responsibility for it.  Be honest with yourself.  Were there warning signs that you chose to disregard?  Did you think he or she would change, once you got them under your spell?  Did you value certain factors like security above happiness?  What about money?  Were you blinded by the almighty dollar and a luxe lifestyle you couldn’t have otherwise provided for yourself?  The point is, did you ignore a truth that slapped you in the face?
  • Our American culture plays a huge part in people cheating on each other.  Everywhere you turn there are images of scantily-clad women and half-naked men, swinging their private parts all over the place.  I said to myself, the media perpetuates infidelity.  Why is it glamorized? I know the answer to this, but to put it lightly, there are some wicked, sick people running this world.  And their motto is to divide and conquer.  A classic strategy to keep the masses at bey and asleep.  When people come together as one, there is impenetrable power.  Can’t let that happen now can we?  And that’s all I’ll say on that.
  • Ladies, don’t bash me when I say this. **holds my shield up so I don’t get stoned** In order to populate the earth, we must reproduce. To do this, men must plant their sperm in the woman’s womb.  So by nature, the man and woman must come together.  It is nature because the man doesn’t even have to be sexually attracted to the woman.  He will always “rise” to the occasion.  This is meant to happen.  This in itself is how we reproduce and populate.  But somewhere along the line, a jealous woman screamed, “Cheater! I hate you!”.  LOL.  (j/k… sorta).  Just think about it.  A man can have sex with 50 different women at the same time and get each one pregnant (50 babies).  A woman, on the other hand,  has sex with 50 different men at the same time, but can only have one baby.  It’s not meant for the woman to sleep around. It’s not in her nature.  It’s not meant for her to do it.  Somewhere along the line, a man screamed, “You hoe! That’s not your job… it’s mine!” LOL (just kidding… sorta)  Men can also have sex with 50 different women and not be emotionally attached.  We, on the other hand, get all wrapped up in our feelings.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I don’t think it justifies a man’s infidelity.  A man just has to discipline himself… and make a personal commitment to restrain from his natural duty. (Like that’ll happen! #cantlayblame)  J/k… sorta.  Just imagine if men only stuck with one woman?  Would that serve the greater good? There’s some reason other cultures allow men to have 50 wives.  Moreover, could it be an all-knowing, all-seeing power, that’s so perfect, knew homosexuality, imprisonment, and war fatalities of men would run rampant in the human race.  Is it no wonder the ratio of women to men is 7:1, maybe more?    #justsayin
  • If you choose to give your partner a second chance, you have to approach the problem as a couple.  Doing this empowers the one who has been cheated on and gives him/her a sense of control.  Working together to fix the problem can bring back a sense of certainty or reassurance, which is important when trying to restore trust.
  • Candidly discuss the details of what happened.  I know it’s easy and preferable to keep all the details out, thinking that it will only lead to more problems.  No. No. No.  Concealing the details of the affair leads to lingering questions.  When those questions are not addressed, they will never go away and it’s nearly impossible not to dwell on the incident.  Revealing the truth can be painful, but it is necessary when trying to move forward.

Ultimately, whether or not you want to give your partner a second chance is your choice and yours alone.  The best advice you can get does not come from your friends or family.  It comes from you… that gut feeling we always ignore, so we can listen to someone else who doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about.   Your intuition gives you insight.  Listen to it.  It knows what you do not.

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7 Responses

  1. I totally agree with you said, it is up to the couple involved whether a 2nd chance is granted or not. But before they can come to that conclusion they need to know how the cheating began. So hopefully it won’t become an issue again in the relationship.

  2. Wow!!!! Interesting perspective on a man’s nature and the population of the earth. I do agree with you 0 regarding it being the couples choice to decide if a second chance is granted…. very good write up. Do your write ups for your Blog come from a professional knowledge or just personal experience? Keep up the good work!!!

  3. You are dead on! You have to know in yourself if the relationship will survive or if you can break through the feelings and come out stronger together.

  4. My gut will always say – Nope Not a chance. I can tell you one thing from personal experience I may try my best to forgive but can’t forget therefore in my case the relationship is doomed because in the back of my mind there will always be doubt and suspicion. I love my husband but he knows I can make it w/o him. I’m a runner. He would get the brunt of every bad relationship I have ever had if he were to venture down that road. And as far as procreation if he breeds another woman while we are married he would need to go into hiding. Especially in my culture where the men think its okay to have several women and kids outside the marriage. Oh Lawd! *fans to cool off, getting upset*

  5. Great post Lynn! I will say this, people only do what you ALLOW them to do. Set your boundaries and stick to them!

  6. When a guy cheats once, it’s easier to cheat twice so women beware. Regardless, people can change so sometimes- second chances are in order.

    Clay

    http://tantrumstroublesandtreasures.blogspot.com/2011/01/is-it-ok-to-lie-to-my-kids.html

  7. I grew up in Africa where cheating is frowned upon but some people still do it. I think that once someone cheats once, they can go all the way. I know that much :( Thanks for sharing.

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