Twitter Fritters

today is a great day | I admit.  After noticing the abatement of my followers yesterday, I spent an hour scrolling through the list to see who could’ve unfollowed me.  Insane, right?  Ask any group of twitterers if they’re bothered by the big U (as in Unfollowed) and 90% will tell you hell no.  But then there’s 10% who seek twitter therapy because they’ve gotten the big U.  Yes, I admit, I needed therapy yesterday because I was… UNfollowed by a twitter fritter!

Comic Source: joyoftech.com

My twitter therapist, Dr. Getemback, suggested I oust those twitter fritters on Twitter.  So I politely tweeted to one fritter:

So funny how some tweeps say, ‘I followed u, follow me back’. U follow back and a week later they quietly unfollow. I see you o_o @xxxxx

Ha!  Boy did that feel good.  Since I’m an upfront and honest person, I frequently tweet:

If you don’t like my tweets, call 1-888-KISS-MY-MELANIN-A$$, then press 0 for the operator.

In part, I wanted to write this post because so many of my friends, on/off Facebook, are blithely unaware of the party over in the Twitterverse.  Bless your hearts.  Y’all tardy for the party as Kim (#RHOA) so eloquently sang like a wild banshee, I mean performer to a live audience. (Not sure if the audience was still alive after the performance though.)

Sorry for the digression, but damn… I could totally get a recording contract!

If you haven’t considered cheating on Facebook with Twitter, maybe I can persuade you to have a mental affair.  As it turns out, you are one fascinating S-O-B, and people, particularly me, want to know what the hell you’re doing.  No, I don’t want a long a$$ Facebook post where you’re probably expecting a comment.  140 characters are all I need due to my diminutive attention span.  Yes, I want to know what you’re cooking for dinner.  Maybe I can get some ideas.  I want to know if your kids are as bad or quirky as mine.  I want to know what enlightening book you stumbled upon.  What’s your perspective on the GOP, H. Mubarak, the UN’s plan to stabilize population growth, or the so-called CJD brain disease… Tell me dammit!

Aside from my picking your brain, I like the fact that Twitter is not cluttered with games, groups, events and aaaaaaaadddds galore.   Twitter is like lean meat with no fat.  (I’m on a bit of a diet.)  And talk about viral!  If you want something spread at the speed of light, broadcast it into the twitterverse.  If it’s something of value, tweeps will retweet to their friends.

And I can’t forget my crash course on shorthand (RT – retweet; OH – overheard; DM – direct message; BTW – by the way; IRL – in real life; F2F – face to face; IMHO – in my honest opinion; B/C – because; LMK – let me know, etc.).  I could type for days on how cool Twitter is minus the fritters, but I as I type this, I’m missing what’s going on in the twitterverse.

Just remember to abide by these 10 Rules of Twitter because it’s no fun tweeting to air:

  1. Watch your ratio. If only a few people follow you, but you follow hundreds or thousands, tweeps will think you’re a loser, or worse… a spammer.  Think, ‘annoying telemarketer’.
  2. Don’t drink and tweet. That’s like having a car crash with every driver on the east coast at one time instead of just running into one.
  3. Pause between tweets. If you don’t, you’ll be the only one showing up on your follower’s timeline.  You ain’t the only person they want to hear from.
  4. Keep small conversations, that are not generally applicable, private by direct messaging them. If I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, say that sh*t in private.
  5. Remember everyone can hear you. This may seem rudimentary, but Twitter is a public medium, just like a blog.  People like your mother, your boss, and the government read tweets.  Don’t tweet you’re gonna use somebody’s kid on your taxes for the money. And just because you rob and steal, don’t tweet your bank robbery plans.  Think of tweets like ghosts that can haunt you if you’re not playing nice like Casper.
  6. What’s rude in life is rude on Twitter. Passive-aggressive tweets are never as inscrutable as the sender thinks. When you’re being mean, even covertly, eventually everyone figures out the target. And then they start firing the arrows back your way.
  7. Keep within the character limit. Although you can go over, don’t.  Most tweeps are too lazy to click on the link to read the rest of your tweet… that’s what Facebook is for.
  8. If you don’t like what someone continually tweets, don’t fret, just Unfollow. Let them get therapy.  Maybe my therapist’ cousin, Dr. GetUback can help them.
  9. Plug moderately. Lots of people ignore this guideline, but if you’re almost exclusively using Twitter to plug your blog posts, events, or products, you’ll lose some followers.  This is how I straddle the line between a good tweep and a pesky tweep.  My twitter name is @9PinkDiamonds.  That’s who I am.  That’s my brand.  That’s my blog’s name. #yup
  10. Don’t expect tweeps to answer your own questions. All tweets are prompted by the question “What are you doing?” Many people don’t answer the question, and others are religious about it, like Kim Kardashian.  (Oh by the way, plenty of folks get paid to tweet.)  Does it irritate people if you don’t answer the question? Sometimes. Should you give a rat’s a$$? Sometimes.

So there you have it.  Shall you need assistance with divorce filings from Facebook?  I hear the alimony is worth it.  Oh, and nevermind the twitter fritters as they can be cast away in the Bermuda Triangle.

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2 Responses

  1. I wonder if I have ever lost followers. I never pay attention to the numbers since I use Tweetdeck. You give some very valid points on Twit etiquette. FB has been neglected. Those people on mine are de.pressing. I love my Tweeps!

  2. Theres a saying – Facebook is for your real friends Twitter is full of the people you really wish were your real friends.

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